Split Checks, not Hairs

I have the pleasure of being in a singles group in San Francisco that is facilitated by my friend, Jan. She coordinates different activites, which typically end up being dinners out. Sometimes four people show up, sometimes fourteen. But invariably, either everyone wants separate checks or someone gets screwed. Why? Because people tend to not want to simply split the bill up and pay a percentage of the total (including tax and tip). So, in order to save themselves from paying an extra buck or two because maybe someone got a more expensive dinner or had a spendier glass of wine, they try to "figure out" what they owe. People, it NEVER works to do that.

I remember back in the stone age when I worked at Businessland in San Jose. There was a group of about eight of us who went for lunch regularly, and we had a great system: we took turns paying. Yes, sometimes we went to MacDonald's and sometimes we went out for sushi, but nobody in that group ever complained about having to pay at the higher-priced places. Why? Because we all had a similar philosophy: when you die, you're even. Besides, eventually the guy who payed for sushi one day would get a trip to MacDonald's or Burger King on his next rotation, and it all worked out in the end. Even if it didn't, there would be a day when he'd get a good deal with some other group or somewhere else. As I said before, when you die, you're even.

If only everyone could work things out that way. Grab the bill, add a hefty tip (OK, I happen to be a generous tipper, but that's fodder for another blog entry on another day), divide it by the number of people, and nobody has to end up throwing in another twenty bucks to make up for the bloke who can't add, forgot that there is tax on restaurant food, won't tip well, or basically just doesn't mind screwing everyone else out of a few bucks. My friend, Craig, has a great mataphor for those people: "tighter than bark on a tree." (Craig has the best expressions for lots of things; I've never figured out if it's because he's from a different country [Wyoming] or just because Craig is frighteningly brilliant). But, I digress...

So, poor Jan has now had to actually post the group activities with a gentle reminder to bring enough money for a meal, PLUS tax and tip. I'm sorry, this is a 40s and 50s singles group - shouldn't we all be old enough to have figured restaurant etiquette out by now? The answer, astoundingly (and sadly) is no.

My plea for the day: when the check comes, split the bill, and don't split hairs about it. Life is short, my friends, and you ARE even when you die. Besides, remember that after you die it's the people you had those dinners with who will be buying flowers for your funeral and making donations to a charity related to the cause of your demise. What goes around comes around, so rack up some good karma now.

And remember, DO tip well. Food service personnel are poorly paid, constantly harassed, and have a mostly thankless job. Show them some love.

Happy dining! --Janine