Social (In)Security

Recently, one of my Facebook friends posted about her wait time and not-so-good experience at the Social Security office, having her name changed (for a happy reason - she got married!).  It reminded me of the last time I changed MY name, and what a trial it was to get my Social Security records changed.  So, I thought I'd regale you all with the tale....

I was divorced in 1996, and took back my birth surname (which I retain, to this very day - who would want to give up a name with such culture?).  I never went in to the Social Security office, because who the heck ever wants to see your Social Security card?  (Apparently, SOME people do - more on that soon).  In any case, I had been happily trotting around for four years with a card that still had someone else's last name on it, even though I had been filing tax returns for four years under Bocciardi.

I had the good luck, in 1999, of meeting an amazing man who wanted to marry me, and so we looked into what we needed to get a marriage license in his county in Pennsylvania.  This particular county (another time, I will tell the story of the marriage license application meeting, complete with a blue-haired woman and a manual typewriter) required that I bring, as a form of identification, my (egads!) Social Security card.  So, I had to go to the dreaded office to get my card reprinted with my current last name, which was the name of my father - the name of my birth - THE NAME OF MY PEOPLE.  

Armed with a piece of identification with my "old" name (my previous married name), my "new" name (the birth name I reverted to after my divorce), and a full copy of my divorce decree stating that I was re-taking my birth name, I optimistically went to the office on my lunch hour one day.

The first sign of trouble was that there was a burly security guard at the door, checking purses and backpacks.  Remember, this was PRE-9/11, and the office had no cash!  I wondered why anyone would even begin to get violent at this place, but I was soon to learn that there were all sorts of reasons...

As I stood in line, a young man was called to the window, and his older sister was with him.  He explained that he was staying temporarily at this sister's apartment, but that he needed his SSDI check (which his previous roommates had stolen) to be able to come up with a deposit on a new place of his own.  The clerk said they needed a "permanent" address for him, and that they would re-issue a check only after 90 days and if the check they had sent him was never cashed.  But, without a "permanent" address, they could not put in an address change, and his upcoming checks would continue to be mailed to the home of the thieving roommates.  The young man explained again that he couldn't GET a permanent address until he had money for a deposit, and the sister was about to move, herself, so using her address was not going to work.  He and the sister and the clerk went back and forth maybe...oh, twenty-seven times in this manner, until the sister began yelling, and loudly questioning the clerk's parentage, the clerk finally slammed shut the window, then closed some wooden doors behind it, and ostensibly went to lunch.  More screaming and yelling from the sister.

The security guard was reading a magazine.  Twelve feet away.  And never budged.

Soon (ok, that is a lie - I was already into the second hour of my lunch hour), it was my turn at the one window that remained operational.  I stepped up with my documentation, and all of my completed forms, and informed the woman that I would like to have my name changed.  Here is the conversation that ensued:

SSA Harpie: "You need a piece of identification with your old name, and one with your new name"
Janine: "I have a driver's license in my new name.  I also have my old drivers license, with my old name."
Harpie: "The old license has your new name."
Janine: "No, it has all names.  It says Janine Rae Bocciardi Bassett.  Bassett was my old name."
Harpie: "But the Bassett part is on another line."
Janine: "Yes, because it was too long to fit on one line.  See, it's right there - after the rest."
(some perusal of the old license is done, and then she nods)
Harpie: "The old license has a hole punched in it; you cannot use that."
(why did we even go through all that crap, then?)
Janine: "OK, well, my divorce decree lists BOTH names."
Harpie: "I don't think you can use that."
Janine (victoriously):  "I have my old Social Security card with my old name!"
Harpie: "we do not consider that a valid form of identification."
Janine: "But you GAVE it to me!"
Harpie: "What else you got? How about a Costco card?"
Janine: "Everything I have already has my new name, and you'll take a Costcop card but not your own Social Security card?"
Harpie: "Yup.  If you don't have anything at all, you might not be able to do this today.  Well, maybe at all.  You have NOTHING with your old name?"
Janine: "Well, can we use the divorce decree for the OLD name, and the new drivers license for the NEW name?"
Harpie: "Maybe.  Let me see it."  (read through some of my divorce papers) "This has both names on it!  Why didn't you give me this in the first place?"
Janine: "But I tried to...I mean, I'm sorry.  My mistake."
Harpie: "You got divorced years ago.  Why are you doing this now?"
Janine: "Because I am getting married, and I need the new card to apply for a marriage license."
Harpie: (god's truth, she actually said this) "Well, you change your name like you change your underwear, don't you?"
Janine (seething): "Actually, this is the last time."
Harpie: "No, you'll have to change it again after you get married."
Janine: "No, I am keeping my name 'as is'."
Harpie: "What name will you file taxes under?"
Janine: "Bocciardi"
Harpie: "What name will your license say?"
Janine: "Bocciardi"
Harpie: "What name will be on your paychecks, and on your accounts?"
Janine: "BOCCIARDI"
Harpie: "What's wrong with your husband?"
Janine: "I dunno...maybe he's too tolerant and respectful of my heritage, and loves me too much?"
Harpie: "OK, here you go.  But I am just curious; WHY don't you want to change your name?"
Janine (making sure all validated forms were already in my possession): "Because I never, ever, EVER want to have to come in here and talk to you people AGAIN."